1
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,767
Along the Kennedy Expressway,
2
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,505
a truck overturned in the slow lane.
3
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,343
Along the Stevenson Expressway,
the traffic moving along nicely.
4
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,612
Another shadow traffic update
with TJ Burks in ten minutes.
5
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,619
You are listening to WRIX,
6
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,246
Chicago's number one news and financial networks.
7
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:49,158
- Now, back to Money Matters.
- Welcome back, I'm your host, Gil Stewart,
8
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,218
and we're almost out of time here on Money Matters,
9
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:54,289
but here's a quick wrap-up of the day's biggest stories.
10
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:58,029
The Dow closing out today at minus fifty-five,
11
00:00:58,090 --> 00:01:00,128
while the NASDAQ was up seven points.
12
00:01:00,193 --> 00:01:03,504
The SandP is down four.
13
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,169
Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...
14
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,839
unloads ten percent of its gold holdings,
15
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,280
causing ripples throughout the banking industry,
16
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:14,012
continuing the trend of
unloading the bulk of its holdings...
17
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,350
in favor of better-performing securities.
18
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,356
You've been listening to Money Matters.
19
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,585
I'm Gil Stewart, looking after your money.
20
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:24,459
It's now 2:00a.m. and time for...
21
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:29,860
What's happening? And welcome to The Ladies Man,
22
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:34,201
the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.
23
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:38,801
My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,
24
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:42,312
I am an expert in the ways of love.
25
00:01:42,369 --> 00:01:45,475
Um, I have made love to many fine ladies,
26
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:49,351
from the lowliest bus station skank...
27
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:52,253
to the classiest, most sophisticated,
28
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:57,352
educated, debutante, high society bus station skank.
29
00:01:57,417 --> 00:02:00,296
But listen. I am doing good, if you were askin'.
30
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,732
I got my Courvoisier cognac right here,
31
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,791
and I'm ready to take your calls.
32
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:09,307
While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,
33
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,309
I have done it to a lot of ladies,
34
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,175
and that makes me somewhat like an expert.
35
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:18,182
I have a Ph.D. in tang, as it were.
36
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:23,017
So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of fifty...
37
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:26,057
and you're not freaky or disgusting,
please give us a call.
38
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:29,151
My lovely producer, Julie Simmons,
39
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,787
she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...
40
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,798
to hear what you got to say.
41
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:36,835
Okay, you're gonna have to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.
42
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:40,235
Susan from Oak Park. you have a question for Leon?
43
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,273
Oh, he left his clothes at your house.
44
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:47,244
The phone is lighting up, so let's take a call.
45
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:51,214
Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.
46
00:02:51,270 --> 00:02:55,310
- Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.
47
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:58,822
I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.
48
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,756
And I am painfully shy.
49
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:04,352
Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.
50
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:07,126
Go to the bus station or to a bowling alley...
51
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,133
and hang out with no underpants.
52
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,032
- Trust me. It works.
- What?
53
00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:14,971
You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.
54
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,472
Next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.
55
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,672
Ladies Man, I've been feeling really confused.
56
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,737
Yeah, that sounds good.
57
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,977
No, it's not good.
58
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,212
I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.
59
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:31,813
How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?
60
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:35,223
Don't worry. When you're really, truly in love,
61
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:38,593
you will feel it deep down in your pants.
62
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,825
Unless, of course, you're not wearing any pants,
63
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,663
which is not uncommon in my case.
64
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,294
What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.
65
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:50,136
Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.
66
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:52,375
Next caller. You got The Ladies Man.
67
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:52,433
Next caller. You got The Ladies Man.
68
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:55,945
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Ladies Man.
69
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,676
Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.
70
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,776
It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like.
71
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:05,289
You don't have to argue. I've seen
it on the grocery store shelves.
72
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,155
Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.
73
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:11,992
Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care if you are a doctor.
74
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:14,965
No, we promise there won't be
any more vulgar material.
75
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,558
You gotta get a thumb and
just stick it up in there.
76
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,104
Actually, get two thumbs up
in there, you know, like the Fonz.
77
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,766
Like this, "Heyyy"
78
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:26,470
There may be weird smells afterwards,
but don't worry. just take a shower.
79
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,374
Hey, go ahead, caller. You got The Ladies Man.
80
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,884
No one knows where Leon came from exactly,
81
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:38,446
but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.
82
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,458
The master of the house was a great man...
83
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:44,360
who surrounded himself with
the world's most beautiful objects.
84
00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:48,029
He had everything he wanted,
85
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,967
except a son.
86
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:56,140
Young Leon was taken into this world...
87
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,802
and raised as one of their own.
88
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,869
And in that warm family environment,
89
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,745
Leon developed into quite a stylish young man.
90
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:08,149
He learned everything a
bright kid would wanna know about,
91
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:12,088
stereo systems and, of course, love.
92
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,182
In this magical kingdom,
93
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:17,387
the king shared everything with him.
94
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:21,091
Only one thing was off-limits.
95
00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:26,927
But Leon being Leon,
96
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:32,170
the day arrived when the benevolent
proprietor and Leon parted ways.
97
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,645
Poor little Leon was thrown out into the cold,
98
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:39,081
much like Moses in the days of old.
99
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:43,519
After that it wasn't easy for
the little man, but he got along.
100
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,750
He always did.
101
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:49,453
Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,
102
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,462
but because...
103
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:56,433
the ladies loved Leon Phelps.
104
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:58,992
- How did he do it?
- Hey, Leon.
105
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,801
Well, I guess you'd better ask the man yourself.
106
00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:05,274
Lester, how come you tell that story
every time we walk into this bar?
107
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:08,074
I don't know. Maybe there's somebody
out there who don't know you.
108
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:11,308
Yeah, right. It's the same five
or six people in this place.
109
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:14,284
- How'd your show go tonight?
- Oh, yeah, good question.
110
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:17,220
Um, same old, same old. Leon Phelps is a genius.
111
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:20,053
Yeah, same old angry calls from our listeners...
112
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,059
and same old threats from the boss.
113
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,493
But listen, for every hundred angry calls we get,
114
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,497
there is somebody that I helped.
115
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,965
Ain't that right, Scrap Iron?
116
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,468
Huh? Yeah.
117
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:34,266
Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.
118
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,933
- Mm-hmm.
- That's right. And it was Leon...
119
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,500
who taught me I didn't have to be ashamed of my body.
120
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,512
121
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:46,278
Thank you, Candy. You see, I like
to help people. That is what I do.
122
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,217
You know, I am like Mother Teresa,
123
00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:51,279
but of boning, you see what I'm saying?
124
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:55,451
Listen, Julie, you are now
in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?
125
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:58,257
Everything will work out. Trust me.
126
00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,194
Thank you, Scrap.
127
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,694
And besides that, Julie, you have to learn...
128
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,431
that there are more important
things in life than work.
129
00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:09,201
- Can I help you?
- Martini with lemon.
130
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,869
So excuse me while Leon Phelps shows you...
131
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,004
how he brings home the bacon.
132
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,174
That's my cue. I'm out of here.
133
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:21,185
Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak, ain't it, girlfriend?
134
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,187
I mean, when's it gonna be our turn, right?
135
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,520
You know, you and me are exactly alike. Eerie.
136
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,827
- See you later, Scrap Iron.
- Bye, baby.
137
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:33,558
- Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon.
- Bye, sweetie.
138
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,868
There goes Julie Simmons.
139
00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:41,462
I bet you're wondering what a nice girl
like that is doing in a place like this.
140
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:45,738
That's exactly what I was wondering
one night about two years ago.
141
00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:52,879
142
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:56,045
143
00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:58,748
144
00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:02,889
145
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,895
Bourbon, up.
146
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:14,433
Let me help you with that. There you go.
147
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,769
Listen, I was wondering, can I ask you a question?
148
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:21,236
Was your father a meat burglar?
149
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,611
Here's why I ask. Because it looks like somebody...
150
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:27,516
stole two fine hams and shoved them
down the back of your dress.
151
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:30,111
And then it happened. She started laughing.
152
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:33,123
Kept on laughing. I thought she was crazy.
153
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,922
They talked and laughed on into the night.
154
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:40,863
Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home her business card.
155
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:45,096
She said she was in radio. Said
she wanted to put Leon on the radio.
156
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,604
That was two years ago.
157
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:50,004
I guess she packed her wedding dress away...
158
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,339
for another day.
159
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,073
Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break for a second?
160
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,479
I'm trying to concentrate over here.
161
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,314
Leon, I think she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.
162
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,320
Au contraire, bonjour.
163
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,913
Let me give you the play-by-play.
164
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:15,823
I will probably begin with
a very classy first line.
165
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,835
Something like...
166
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:21,839
Say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich?
167
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,375
Mm-hmm.
168
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:27,742
And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.
169
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,747
Something like...
170
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,874
Man, I'd like to take a bite out of your butt.
171
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:37,778
And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of...
172
00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,950
the goods.
173
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:48,898
174
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:51,026
The day you pick up that pretty woman,
175
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,935
that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.
176
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:57,907
Yeah? Well, get ready to see
a wet bird fly at night, my friend.
177
00:09:57,964 --> 00:09:59,910
178
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:11,846
Say there, sweet thing.
179
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:13,357
Uh, I have a question. Could I--
180
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:16,451
- Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.
- Yeah?
181
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,190
My husband's away.
182
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,630
Let's go back to my place.
183
00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:26,066
So you don't want a fish sandwich?
184
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:30,105
Okay, that's cool, I guess. But listen.
185
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:33,372
- My car doesn't exist, so- Yes.
- Shut up.
186
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,743
The bus is what we'll be taking.
187
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,748
Hey! Hey, man! Hey!
188
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:42,418
189
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:42,976
190
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:54,222
191
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,834
- To the left. Yeah. Just like that.
- Like that?
192
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,207
Honey, the front door.
193
00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:12,343
Barney, is that you?
194
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,442
Well, it isn't the Orkin man.
195
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,783
I'll be right there.
196
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:22,783
You'll never guess what happened.
197
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,420
I was cleaning up the broom closet,
198
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:29,365
and it was so stuffed with crap.
199
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,561
So I opened the door...
200
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,900
and it was like, "Uh-uh-uh-uh.
201
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,600
Don't open that door, McGee."
202
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,371
'Cause all that stuff...
203
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:43,881
just came tumbling down all over me.
204
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:47,612
- Do you have a man in there with you?
- Oh, yes!
205
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:50,154
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Don't stop.
206
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,246
Cheryl?
207
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,952
Oh, don't stop! Oh, don't--
208
00:11:57,317 --> 00:12:00,787
Listen baby, that was cool, but I gotta go.
209
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:29,622
No!
210
00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:36,230
Wake up!
211
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:40,760
It is 2:30 in the a.m., and you
are listenin' to The Ladies Man.
212
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:44,340
All right. So let's take some
more calls. Go ahead, caller.
213
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,340
Hello? Am I on?
214
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,007
Yes, you are. What seems to be your query?
215
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:53,016
Uh,
216
00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:55,518
Well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,
217
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:59,182
but I'm in- I'm in really bad shape.
218
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:03,250
I was, uh- I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.
219
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,887
Well, we'll see what we can do.
220
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,023
So, I came home last night,
221
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:10,624
and what do you know.
222
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:14,103
My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.
223
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,470
- Yeah, that sounds good.
- No, it's not good.
224
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:19,237
I-I saw the guy.
225
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:22,541
I saw him running--
running down the street.
226
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,310
He had this, like, smiley...
227
00:13:25,370 --> 00:13:28,409
tattoo thing on his, uh, on his, uh-
228
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:31,648
Okay, sir, listen.
229
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:34,021
We're gonna take a break right now.
230
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,152
We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,
231
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:40,720
"What is your favorite hole?" Thanks for calling.
232
00:13:53,966 --> 00:13:56,412
233
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,953
234
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,919
I don't wanna talk. I just came to pick up my-
235
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,698
236
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,700
Barney!
237
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:20,032
238
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,698
No! No!
239
00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:24,263
240
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:29,646
It's not what you think.
241
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:33,116
Way to go, Leon. You really are a class act.
242
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:36,381
Well, what can I say, baby?
The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.
243
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:39,787
What ladies? Who are these women?
244
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:42,554
And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them?
245
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:45,255
Um, let me see. Have you ever had sex?
246
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,924
Yes, Leon, I've had sex.
247
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:50,126
Yes, well, there you go.
248
00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:52,465
That's delightful.
249
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,131
- Yeah.
- It's exactly that kind of language...
250
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:57,800
that's gonna get you kicked off the air-
251
00:14:57,864 --> 00:14:59,741
- Mr. Kent.
- Yes!
252
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:03,246
You certainly seem in good spirits today.
253
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,441
I didn't think it showed.
254
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,315
I just got a letter from the F.C.C.
255
00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:12,345
So I suppose you could say I'm
"full of contentment and cheer."
256
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:14,652
What do you mean?
257
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:18,856
I'm sure you're aware
your little friend, Leon Phelps,
258
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,694
has always been a thorn in my side.
259
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,928
He's unprofessional. He drinks on the air.
260
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:27,597
He has a little sip of cognac now and then, but-
261
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:35,178
I would have fired him years ago if he wasn't such a-
262
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:38,681
such a favorite with the owner of the station.
263
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,684
I don't know what she sees in him.
264
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,812
But I finally decided to go
over her head about this...
265
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,413
and straight to the F.C.C.
266
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:50,120
And if Leon Phelps is responsible for even one more...
267
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:52,288
tiny little fine,
268
00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:54,729
I get to fire him.
269
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,631
Well, we haven't had a fine in weeks.
270
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,863
Leon's completely cleaned up his act.
271
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:03,373
- Oh, is that a fact?
- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.
272
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:06,376
Yeah, you see, what your problem is...
273
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:08,378
is that you suffer from,
274
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,436
um, "homo-un-erectus."
275
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,746
Which means, basically,
that your wang is "hugeified"
276
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,753
not by a woman but by a man.
277
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:23,554
Well, you never know. I mean, some
nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.
278
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:27,359
- Really?
- No!
279
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,525
They listen all the time. Probably listening now.
280
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:33,833
What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us
in the station. How you doing?
281
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:41,535
Well, I guess he can't stick around.
282
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,706
But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.
283
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:46,249
We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.
284
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:51,750
- Leon--
- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.
285
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:55,486
- He is just jealous.
- Leon, I think he's serious this time.
286
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,256
He said that the radio station
won’t pay for any more of your fines.
287
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,767
I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only
got three minutes left for the show.
288
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:08,636
I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play
a little music. No more phone calls.
289
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:11,903
And you'll see by tomorrow
Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.
290
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:15,377
- You promise?
- Julie, come on.
291
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,710
The one person you can trust is Leon Phelps.
292
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,452
- Okay.
- Kiss me. Kiss me!
293
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,453
Stop it.
294
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,348
What's happening? You got The Ladies Man,
295
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:32,760
Leon Phelps here, and I am looking
at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,
296
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:35,424
which means that we are just about out of time.
297
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:39,561
But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with just one more thought.
298
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:42,071
This is a little something that I wrote.
299
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:44,301
And I read:
300
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,570
"What is love?
301
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:50,205
What is this longing in our
hearts for togetherness?
302
00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:52,715
Is it not the sweetest flower?
303
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,774
Does not this flower of love...
304
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,617
have the fragrant aroma
of fine, fine diamonds?
305
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,659
Does not the wind love the dirt?
306
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:06,459
Is not love not unlike the
unlikely not it is unlikened to?
307
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,762
Are you with someone tonight?
308
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,803
Do not question your love.
309
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,997
Take your lover by the hand.
310
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:17,769
Release the power within yourself
311
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:20,106
You heard me, release the power.
312
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:23,773
Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper.
313
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:27,215
Conquer heaven with one intimate caress.
314
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,275
That's right. Don't be shy.
315
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,788
Whip out everything you've got...
316
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:34,085
and do it in the butt."
317
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,194
By Leon Phelps.
318
00:18:39,250 --> 00:18:41,197
Let's go. Come on.
319
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,296
- Good distance.
- Yeah, not bad.
320
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:54,010
Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...
321
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,012
thank you for sticking up for me.
322
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:59,914
- Yeah, okay. Leon-
- Listen. You always stick up for me.
323
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:03,886
- Yeah, but Leon--
- You're the greatest, you know?
324
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,889
- Thank you.
- And another thing.
325
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:09,757
No matter what they do to me, they can
fire me from their radio station,
326
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,125
they can call me all kinds of names,
327
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:17,566
they can make me get down
on my knees and beg for my job,
328
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:20,365
but the one thing that they cannot take away...
329
00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:22,372
from sweet Leon...
330
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,601
is his dignity.
331
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:34,883
So this is my fabulous yacht.
332
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:38,387
Or as I like to call it,
my personal "skankuary."
333
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:41,516
I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht if you get mail there.
334
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:44,186
It's more like a trailer park of the sea.
335
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,197
Yeah, well, even so,
336
00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:51,463
this is what I like to call the L.A. Forum,
337
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,734
because this is where the magic happens.
338
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,470
And the magic just happened once
on that chair that you're touching.
339
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,708
I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.
340
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:08,411
You know, I actually had to get the
magic cleaned from out of this curtain.
341
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:11,785
That was a long shot. Wore me out.
342
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:20,627
Let's get you into bed, okay?
343
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,996
- Here.
- Officer, no.
344
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,535
Come on. Let's see if we can get you into bed.
345
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,805
Watch it. Ow!
346
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,199
- I'm sorry, Julie.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.
347
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:35,905
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
348
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:39,381
Listen, I handle my drink better than today.
349
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:42,419
- I've seen you. I know.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.
350
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:45,251
- It's okay just lie down.
- You deserve better.
351
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:47,757
- It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
- You should be with a professional.
352
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:55,191
Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
353
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,200
No, I'm not.
354
00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:02,264
In fact, I'm looking around this place...
355
00:21:02,328 --> 00:21:06,708
and I can't understand why anyone
would ever want to seduce you.
356
00:21:12,738 --> 00:21:15,378
357
00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,887
That is why.
358
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:20,083
You've gotta be kidding.
359
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:22,126
Mm-mmm.
360
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:24,218
361
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,288
- "Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?
- Mm-hmm.
362
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,198
Where do you even find this stuff?
363
00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:34,727
Mostly at K-Mart and Wal-Mart.
364
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:37,137
And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat?
365
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:42,407
Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.
366
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,744
Come on in, baby. The water's fine.
367
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,887
- So Julie?
- Huh?
368
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:52,889
Are we going to do it?
369
00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:56,051
No, we are not going to do it.
370
00:21:57,650 --> 00:22:00,654
I would hate to see you as an old man, Leon.
371
00:22:00,719 --> 00:22:03,325
You are gonna be one sorry sight.
372
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:10,199
- Where you going?
- I'm going home.
373
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:12,208
The job search starts tomorrow.
374
00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:14,972
375
00:22:19,538 --> 00:22:21,484
Oh, boy.
376
00:22:23,475 --> 00:22:25,682
Smiley...
377
00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:28,122
ass tattoo.
378
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,796
379
00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:39,425
"Victims of the smiling ass."
380
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:42,633
"Have you seen this ass?"
381
00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:48,071
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
382
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:51,913
"Welcome to the V.S.A."
383
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,815
"Victims of the Smiling Ass."
384
00:22:56,275 --> 00:22:58,687
"We will have our revenge."
385
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:06,725
Well, let me tell you a little bit about WRQE.
386
00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:10,322
We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.
387
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,835
Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.
388
00:23:12,890 --> 00:23:16,338
I don't know if you've heard of a lady
who goes by the name of Celine Dion.
389
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:19,399
No, who is that?
390
00:23:21,667 --> 00:23:24,511
I have to say I've heard of you,
but I'm not too familiar with your show.
391
00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:26,516
I don't stay up that late anymore.
392
00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:31,984
- Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- I'm afraid we don't-
393
00:23:32,044 --> 00:23:34,422
Yeah, actually, we do. This should give you...
394
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,086
a good idea of what we can bring to your station.
395
00:23:37,149 --> 00:23:39,151
Fantastic.
396
00:23:39,218 --> 00:23:41,164
Let's see what we've got here.
397
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:47,336
You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has-
398
00:23:47,393 --> 00:23:50,670
There's some racy stuff at the beginning,
but you can speed through it.
399
00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:52,936
All right.
400
00:23:52,998 --> 00:23:55,205
Yeah.
401
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:58,840
Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.
402
00:23:58,904 --> 00:24:02,215
Just speed through. Same stuff.
403
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:07,921
404
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,984
Boy, excuse me. Anyways, doggy style--
405
00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:14,087
You can speed right through that part too.
406
00:24:14,153 --> 00:24:16,759
Yeah, see, you was kicked in the scrotum.
407
00:24:16,822 --> 00:24:21,237
Or as they say in the medical
profession, the ball sac.
408
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:23,569
You can skip through that part.
409
00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:27,076
Well, you know, the scientific
name is the "Hershey Highway."
410
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:29,908
Speed on through.
411
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:34,041
Hey. But that is the only tape.
412
00:24:34,106 --> 00:24:37,679
The tape is important. There's people looking.
413
00:24:37,743 --> 00:24:40,349
That's not- Don't-
414
00:24:49,088 --> 00:24:52,092
- Miss, uh, Simmons?
- Yes.
415
00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:55,566
Uh, let's see.
416
00:24:57,896 --> 00:25:00,308
Oh, very nice. Very nice.
417
00:25:00,366 --> 00:25:02,903
- Thank you.
- And, uh-
418
00:25:04,870 --> 00:25:06,816
Mr. Phelps.
419
00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:08,818
Yeah, that's me.
420
00:25:08,874 --> 00:25:13,584
I'm presently in the process of getting
my resume typed up over at Kinko's.
421
00:25:13,645 --> 00:25:15,921
- Kinko's. Good people. Nice.
- Yeah.
422
00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:20,259
I see under interests, you've written "Debit"?
423
00:25:20,319 --> 00:25:22,265
No, that's "da butt".
424
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,235
- "Da butt"?
- Yeah. And I also like tennis.
425
00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:28,293
Good, good.
426
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,398
Well, Mr. Phelps, today might be your lucky day.
427
00:25:31,463 --> 00:25:34,467
Our morning anchor quit, out of the blue.
428
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,139
And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.
429
00:25:37,202 --> 00:25:39,409
Well, that's no problem,
430
00:25:39,470 --> 00:25:42,315
'cause I have a lot of experience
at filling other people’s slots.
431
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:43,580
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
432
00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:45,952
You mean you've filled
other people's slots before?
433
00:25:46,010 --> 00:25:50,255
- Yeah, this morning.
- Fantastic. You got the job.
434
00:25:50,315 --> 00:25:52,454
Really?
435
00:25:52,518 --> 00:25:54,520
Yeah, absolutely.
436
00:25:54,586 --> 00:25:57,699
Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.
437
00:25:57,723 --> 00:25:57,757
Well, welcome to WPT Radio.
438
00:25:57,856 --> 00:26:01,497
439
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,062
What's happening? And welcome to The Ladies--
440
00:26:03,629 --> 00:26:07,167
Uh, The Lord's Man Show.
441
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:11,908
Um- So, I understand that you are a nun?
442
00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:15,440
- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's cool.
443
00:26:15,507 --> 00:26:19,284
And how long have you been, uh, "nunning" it up?
444
00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:21,790
For about thirty years now.
445
00:26:21,847 --> 00:26:24,623
Yeah. Well, congratulations. That's good.
446
00:26:24,683 --> 00:26:26,685
Now, I understand that your work...
447
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:29,232
takes you all around the world, is that right?
448
00:26:29,288 --> 00:26:32,098
Yes, that is correct. In fact,
I'll be leaving the country...
449
00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:34,763
very soon to assume a missionary position.
450
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,767
I'm sorry. What was that?
451
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:40,902
I'm going to assume a missionary position,
452
00:26:40,966 --> 00:26:44,607
and I'll probably be holding it for a very longtime.
453
00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:47,412
Yeah, well, that's-- that's interesting.
454
00:26:47,473 --> 00:26:51,819
Um- So, where will you be holding this-
455
00:26:51,877 --> 00:26:54,380
- Missionary position? In Bangkok.
- Yeah.
456
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:58,861
Bangkok. Yeah. That's, uh, cool.
457
00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:01,420
So why don't we talk about something else.
458
00:27:01,487 --> 00:27:06,163
Bangkok is lovely. In fact,
I'm looking forward to taking it all in.
459
00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:08,637
Hmm.
460
00:27:08,694 --> 00:27:12,335
But it can get a little steamy.
461
00:27:12,397 --> 00:27:15,503
Have you ever gone down the Yellow River?
462
00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:21,047
Yeah, once in the '80s, but I did not enjoy it.
463
00:27:21,106 --> 00:27:23,416
What about a missionary position?
464
00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:26,422
Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position?
465
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,067
Yeah, okay.
466
00:27:38,123 --> 00:27:41,104
Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.
It goes a little something like this.
467
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:44,003
I was with these two girls, right?
468
00:27:44,062 --> 00:27:47,009
And so I was doing the twin sisters
and then her mother walks in,
469
00:27:47,065 --> 00:27:49,375
and her mother has a video camera.
470
00:27:49,434 --> 00:27:52,608
So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.
471
00:27:52,670 --> 00:27:54,776
It was sort of a missionary position--
472
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,786
473
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,693
Yeah? Well, up yours too.
474
00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:08,822
Oh, well, on to the next one.
475
00:28:08,887 --> 00:28:10,958
Next one? There is no next one.
476
00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:14,937
That's nonsense, Julie. There's
that kiddie station up in Wilmette.
477
00:28:14,993 --> 00:28:19,339
Leon, we may never work in radio again.
478
00:28:19,398 --> 00:28:21,344
No, listen, Julie. That is where you are wrong.
479
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,573
We'll get out of this mess. Trust me.
480
00:28:23,635 --> 00:28:26,946
Last time I trusted you, you told the
city of Chicago to do it in the butt.
481
00:28:27,005 --> 00:28:30,782
Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict
that that was gonna end up so badly.
482
00:28:30,842 --> 00:28:33,118
- But look, it'll be different this time.
- Whatever, Leon.
483
00:28:33,178 --> 00:28:36,887
I need to think this through.
You call me when you come back to reality.
484
00:28:36,949 --> 00:28:41,056
Don't you worry, Julie. I'm a man of action.
485
00:28:41,119 --> 00:28:44,191
I have a plan for this type of thing.
486
00:28:44,256 --> 00:28:46,202
There's only one thing to do.
487
00:28:46,258 --> 00:28:48,204
I'm must go and have sex...
488
00:28:48,260 --> 00:28:50,399
and wait for something to randomly happen.
489
00:28:50,462 --> 00:28:53,068
It'll work out, you’ll see.
490
00:28:53,130 --> 00:28:55,372
It will randomly work out!
491
00:28:55,434 --> 00:28:57,607
Score! Score! Score!
492
00:28:57,669 --> 00:29:00,047
Yeah. Whoo!
493
00:29:00,105 --> 00:29:02,881
Well, I just had sex, and-
494
00:29:02,940 --> 00:29:06,855
- U.S. Mail!
- There's the random occurrence.
495
00:29:06,979 --> 00:29:09,789
I hate the houseboat guy.
496
00:29:11,283 --> 00:29:13,456
Hey, what's happenin'?
497
00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:17,529
Shh. I was bonin' a lady inside.
498
00:29:19,358 --> 00:29:23,306
Say, look at this.
It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.
499
00:29:23,362 --> 00:29:26,434
- Really?
- Ooh, it says, "Urgent."
500
00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:30,969
"Dear Leon. Stop. The '70s are over. Stop."
501
00:29:31,036 --> 00:29:34,142
Let me see that.
502
00:29:34,206 --> 00:29:36,311
Here's your- Oops.
503
00:29:36,375 --> 00:29:38,787
I seem to be dropping all your mail.
504
00:29:38,844 --> 00:29:42,621
- I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.
- You're a bad mailman.
505
00:29:44,883 --> 00:29:48,126
And this is not from Jimmie Walker.
506
00:29:50,188 --> 00:29:52,134
Let's see here.
507
00:29:52,190 --> 00:29:54,636
Gas bill.
508
00:29:54,693 --> 00:29:58,539
Houseboat bill. Electrical bill.
509
00:29:59,598 --> 00:30:01,976
Ooh, what is this?
510
00:30:02,034 --> 00:30:05,572
Ooh. It's a lady.
511
00:30:11,777 --> 00:30:14,587
"Dearest Leon, I know it's been a long-"
512
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:17,650
513
00:30:18,216 --> 00:30:20,423
"My back pressed against the washing machine-"
514
00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:22,932
"Money-"
515
00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:27,427
This is it!
516
00:30:27,492 --> 00:30:29,472
"Dearest Leon,"
517
00:30:29,528 --> 00:30:33,442
"I know it has been a longtime since
we parted ways that fateful night,"
518
00:30:33,498 --> 00:30:37,071
"but I still remember the
tender moments we spent together."
519
00:30:37,135 --> 00:30:40,514
"The feeling of your skin pressed up against mine."
520
00:30:40,572 --> 00:30:44,076
"The feeling of my back pressed up
against the wall of the Laundromat."
521
00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:47,817
"I remember how you said I was your one true love."
522
00:30:47,879 --> 00:30:50,257
"Time has changed nothing."
523
00:30:50,315 --> 00:30:52,261
"I want you even more."
524
00:30:52,317 --> 00:30:56,857
"And I have all the money we'll
ever need to make a fresh start."
525
00:30:56,922 --> 00:30:59,266
"Come back to me, Leon. I'm waiting for you-"
526
00:30:59,324 --> 00:31:01,270
"and I've never stopped thinking of myself-"
527
00:31:01,326 --> 00:31:03,465
"the way you always used to describe me-"
528
00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:06,873
"as your very special Sweet Thing."
529
00:31:08,967 --> 00:31:10,913
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh-uh.
530
00:31:10,969 --> 00:31:14,439
This is the answer to all your unemployment problems?
531
00:31:15,940 --> 00:31:17,887
- Who is she?
- I don't know.
532
00:31:17,943 --> 00:31:19,889
- You don't know?
- Uh-uh.
533
00:31:21,046 --> 00:31:24,289
As you can see, she did not sign her name,
534
00:31:24,349 --> 00:31:26,886
so I guess she thought I knew who she was.
535
00:31:26,952 --> 00:31:29,125
Cuckoo, cuckoo. Yeah.
536
00:31:29,187 --> 00:31:32,862
All I know is that all my
problems, they are now solved.
537
00:31:32,924 --> 00:31:37,066
Leon, all your problems will be solved
when you get a job like normal people.
538
00:31:37,129 --> 00:31:40,941
How am I supposed to do that?
We tried every radio station in town.
539
00:31:40,999 --> 00:31:45,141
Not every one. I can still
pull a favor, hopefully,
540
00:31:45,203 --> 00:31:48,275
over at WAMS from Cyrus.
541
00:31:49,540 --> 00:31:53,455
Cyrus Cunningham? Your ex-fiance?
542
00:31:53,512 --> 00:31:55,458
The one that dumped you?
543
00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:58,085
The one with the three-inch penis?
544
00:31:58,150 --> 00:32:00,790
No, Julie, listen. I can't stand the idea of you...
545
00:32:00,852 --> 00:32:04,026
crawling back to that jerk
just because I got both of us fired.
546
00:32:04,089 --> 00:32:06,433
Listen, baby, the answer to all of our troubles...
547
00:32:06,490 --> 00:32:09,495
is in this rich lady's letter and her money.
548
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,974
Her money. Leon, this is a love
letter, not a lottery ticket.
549
00:32:13,030 --> 00:32:15,011
This is a woman who cared for you,
550
00:32:15,066 --> 00:32:17,012
who you called by a special pet name.
551
00:32:17,068 --> 00:32:19,014
- Who you called-
- Hey, Sweet Thing.
552
00:32:19,070 --> 00:32:22,279
Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here? Thank you.
553
00:32:22,340 --> 00:32:25,082
I'm sorry. What were you saying, sweet thing?
554
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:48,634
I'm, uh- I'm sorry about the door.
555
00:32:48,700 --> 00:32:51,909
Do I have the right place? I was just-
556
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,507
Wow! You're huge.
557
00:32:54,573 --> 00:32:56,849
We know who you are, Barney.
558
00:32:56,908 --> 00:32:59,684
I think you'll be glad that you decided to come.
559
00:32:59,744 --> 00:33:01,849
What-What is this?
560
00:33:01,913 --> 00:33:05,087
- These are people just like you, Barney.
- Hi, Barney.
561
00:33:06,450 --> 00:33:10,365
They, too, have had their lives shattered...
562
00:33:10,422 --> 00:33:12,868
by the sight of that man's ass.
563
00:33:16,260 --> 00:33:19,538
I caught this mysterious tattooed
guy and my wife going at it...
564
00:33:19,598 --> 00:33:22,579
in July 1992.
565
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,782
Spring of '89.
566
00:33:28,940 --> 00:33:31,216
December 1994.
567
00:33:32,277 --> 00:33:34,279
November of '95.
568
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:36,292
And then April of '96.
569
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:38,089
570
00:33:38,649 --> 00:33:41,425
And then again in June of '96.
571
00:33:40,986 --> 00:33:45,025
And then twice more on January 15,1997.
572
00:33:46,759 --> 00:33:49,330
And three more times in the spring of '99-
573
00:33:49,395 --> 00:33:52,535
Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Flag Day.
574
00:33:52,599 --> 00:33:56,513
That's Hal. Don't make any sudden moves around him.
575
00:33:56,569 --> 00:33:59,778
It's all right, man.
576
00:33:59,839 --> 00:34:02,843
What about you? I mean, what's your story?
577
00:34:03,910 --> 00:34:07,016
It was April 1990.
578
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:09,686
I was in training for the U.S. Olympic Team.
579
00:34:09,749 --> 00:34:11,695
My Sport:
580
00:34:11,750 --> 00:34:14,322
Greco-Roman wrestling.
581
00:34:14,387 --> 00:34:17,129
My wife and I didn't have a perfect marriage.
582
00:34:17,190 --> 00:34:20,137
Maybe I didn't understand her needs.
583
00:34:20,193 --> 00:34:23,037
But she definitely didn't understand my passion...
584
00:34:23,096 --> 00:34:25,042
for wrestling.
585
00:34:25,098 --> 00:34:28,636
She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I...
586
00:34:28,700 --> 00:34:31,045
trained constantly.
587
00:34:31,104 --> 00:34:33,675
She didn't understand the thrill any man would feel...
588
00:34:33,740 --> 00:34:37,051
after grabbing a big, husky guy like Brian...
589
00:34:37,110 --> 00:34:39,522
and pinning him down to the ground...
590
00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:44,085
until he squirms and squeals like a little piglet.
591
00:34:44,150 --> 00:34:46,494
592
00:34:48,387 --> 00:34:50,333
593
00:34:51,490 --> 00:34:54,164
One night, I went out to train...
594
00:34:53,726 --> 00:34:56,730
at-at Brian's.
595
00:34:58,464 --> 00:35:01,775
I returned home only to find my wife lying there...
596
00:35:01,834 --> 00:35:04,508
with a faraway look.
597
00:35:04,570 --> 00:35:06,709
I noticed an open window,
598
00:35:06,773 --> 00:35:10,346
and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.
599
00:35:10,410 --> 00:35:14,688
I would’ve chased after him, but I was too sore.
600
00:35:14,747 --> 00:35:16,693
From the training.
601
00:35:16,749 --> 00:35:19,286
Of course, the training.
602
00:35:19,352 --> 00:35:23,425
Right. After that, I discovered
there were others like me,
603
00:35:23,489 --> 00:35:25,435
and I formed this group.
604
00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:27,767
The point is,
605
00:35:27,827 --> 00:35:31,365
we may not know his name, but we're onto him.
606
00:35:32,432 --> 00:35:35,106
And one day, he'll slip up.
607
00:35:35,168 --> 00:35:39,548
And when he does, we're gonna be there to nail him,
608
00:35:39,605 --> 00:35:41,778
and cut his balls off!
609
00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:45,812
Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.
610
00:35:45,878 --> 00:35:48,484
Maybe we won't actually go that far.
611
00:35:48,548 --> 00:35:50,858
That's yucky.
612
00:35:50,917 --> 00:35:54,091
Well, you don't have to wait for him to slip up.
613
00:35:54,153 --> 00:35:56,133
He already has.
614
00:35:56,189 --> 00:35:58,567
'Cause when he ran out of my apartment-
615
00:36:00,026 --> 00:36:04,031
Look! He's a circus clown!
616
00:36:04,097 --> 00:36:06,168
Yeah, we already know about the clothes.
617
00:36:07,767 --> 00:36:10,373
He runs out of all of our
houses bare-assed, you know.
618
00:36:10,436 --> 00:36:12,541
The clothes really haven't given us anything.
619
00:36:12,605 --> 00:36:14,551
What?
620
00:36:19,078 --> 00:36:21,319
Damn it!
621
00:36:21,380 --> 00:36:25,352
I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.
622
00:36:35,862 --> 00:36:38,172
Gentlemen,
623
00:36:38,230 --> 00:36:41,906
prepare for battle.
624
00:36:41,968 --> 00:36:44,915
Listen up, everybody. This will be...
625
00:36:44,970 --> 00:36:48,441
our general area of our search, okay?
626
00:36:48,508 --> 00:36:51,318
Now, years ago I was in the army,
627
00:36:51,377 --> 00:36:54,051
and we spent a lot of time in this area here.
628
00:36:54,113 --> 00:36:56,286
The army, they called it Asia,
629
00:36:56,349 --> 00:36:58,420
but I like to call it Freaky-Deeky Sex World.
630
00:36:59,585 --> 00:37:03,123
Scrap Iron, you're my man.
631
00:37:03,189 --> 00:37:05,931
This will be your area. I suggest that
632
00:37:05,992 --> 00:37:08,700
you stick to the back streets and the whorehouses.
633
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:10,798
- I'm right on it.
- Good'.
634
00:37:10,863 --> 00:37:14,367
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.
635
00:37:15,835 --> 00:37:18,509
This postmark is from Chicago.
636
00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:22,041
- Hey.
- Let me see that, Lester.
637
00:37:22,108 --> 00:37:25,681
If the lady lives right here
in Chicago, that ought to be easy.
638
00:37:25,745 --> 00:37:28,988
I mean, you could find all the women
you been with in town, right?
639
00:37:29,048 --> 00:37:31,756
That's a very good question, Candy. Yes, I can,
640
00:37:31,818 --> 00:37:37,131
because I have written the names of all
of my very special sweet ladies down...
641
00:37:37,190 --> 00:37:39,602
in this, my black book.
642
00:37:39,659 --> 00:37:43,539
- Look at that thing.
- And in addition to that,
643
00:37:43,596 --> 00:37:47,942
I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.
644
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:51,948
- That's for you, Lester.
- You have any idea who this woman is?
645
00:37:52,004 --> 00:37:54,507
Yes, I do, because when I read this letter,
646
00:37:54,574 --> 00:37:57,418
I hear a voice that I connect to a face.
647
00:37:57,477 --> 00:38:00,151
And because I have what is called 20-20 memory,
648
00:38:00,213 --> 00:38:04,184
that tells me that this is
my very special Sweet Thing.
649
00:38:10,389 --> 00:38:12,335
Leon Phelps.
650
00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:16,931
- You miserable, fatheaded jackass.
- Theresa!
651
00:38:16,996 --> 00:38:19,476
What the hell are you doing here?
I hoped you were dead.
652
00:38:19,532 --> 00:38:21,705
No, I'm not dead. Surprise.
653
00:38:21,767 --> 00:38:23,713
- Ew!
- What?
654
00:38:23,769 --> 00:38:26,841
You expect me to let you stick your
tongue in my mouth after two years?
655
00:38:26,906 --> 00:38:29,011
Yes, I do. Ooh, Courvoisier.
656
00:38:29,075 --> 00:38:31,021
Let's have a drink. Come on in, baby.
657
00:38:32,378 --> 00:38:34,324
This is nice.
658
00:38:36,682 --> 00:38:38,628
Leon, why haven't you called me?
659
00:38:38,684 --> 00:38:42,222
This is the thing. They kept changing
all those collect call phone numbers,
660
00:38:42,288 --> 00:38:45,326
so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.
661
00:38:45,390 --> 00:38:48,463
- Shut it up. I can't believe this.
- Okay.
662
00:38:48,528 --> 00:38:52,977
I meet you under the stands at a dog
track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.
663
00:38:53,032 --> 00:38:56,536
Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you
in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.
664
00:38:56,602 --> 00:38:59,515
You called me your sweet thing.
665
00:38:59,572 --> 00:39:02,883
Wait a second. It says here
we did it in a laundromat.
666
00:39:02,942 --> 00:39:04,922
- What?
- Yeah.
667
00:39:04,977 --> 00:39:08,857
Didn't you send me a note about getting
together and sharing your money, love?
668
00:39:15,154 --> 00:39:17,327
Mistakes are sometimes funny.
669
00:39:17,390 --> 00:39:19,996
Listen, I could really use that drink now.
670
00:39:22,260 --> 00:39:25,435
All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.
671
00:39:26,899 --> 00:39:29,277
- Rot in hell, Leon.
- Yes, I heard you the first time.
672
00:39:29,335 --> 00:39:31,645
No, no, no, no, no. I hope you burn in hell.
673
00:39:31,704 --> 00:39:34,207
- Yes, duly noted.
- Rotting and burning.
674
00:39:34,273 --> 00:39:38,983
- Yes, in hell. I got you.
- Your mother looks like Florida Evans!
675
00:39:39,045 --> 00:39:41,184
Listen, there's no reason to go there.
676
00:39:41,247 --> 00:39:44,285
You mud duck! Quack on.
677
00:39:46,953 --> 00:39:49,797
678
00:40:00,466 --> 00:40:04,107
Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon. What's happening?
679
00:40:03,669 --> 00:40:06,377
680
00:40:19,650 --> 00:40:21,995
- Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.
- Hi.
681
00:40:21,554 --> 00:40:23,500
How you doing? Good to see you.
682
00:40:23,556 --> 00:40:25,558
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.
683
00:40:25,625 --> 00:40:27,571
- Listen, did you write this letter?
- What?
684
00:40:27,627 --> 00:40:30,267
No? Okay. Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.
685
00:40:30,329 --> 00:40:33,242
Play some Al Green and smack her
on the ass. She likes that.
686
00:40:33,299 --> 00:40:35,438
Hey. How you doin'?
687
00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:39,614
Hey, what's happening, Evelyn? I remember-
688
00:40:52,918 --> 00:40:56,229
That was not a good idea.
689
00:40:56,289 --> 00:40:58,326
What's happening, Chicago?
690
00:40:58,390 --> 00:41:01,634
Ladies, if you are rich and I boned you,
691
00:41:01,694 --> 00:41:04,937
could you please meet me at the nacho cart?
692
00:41:04,997 --> 00:41:08,809
Also, if you are rich and you want to be boned,
693
00:41:08,868 --> 00:41:11,849
would you please meet me at the nacho cart?
694
00:41:20,479 --> 00:41:22,925
- Hey, Lester.
- I stepped in a time machine.
695
00:41:22,982 --> 00:41:25,792
Look at this place. This place is disgusting.
696
00:41:25,850 --> 00:41:27,888
You don't have to stay long.
just long enough to meet Leon.
697
00:41:27,953 --> 00:41:29,899
I'm telling you, he's just what your station needs.
698
00:41:29,955 --> 00:41:34,370
- Leon, this is Cyrus.
- Cyrus Cunningham.
699
00:41:34,427 --> 00:41:36,566
Yeah, this is the guy that dumped you.
700
00:41:36,629 --> 00:41:40,099
You're a lot shorter than I expected.
But the hair and the shoes help out.
701
00:41:40,166 --> 00:41:43,875
Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said
I would meet your friend, and I have.
702
00:41:43,936 --> 00:41:45,882
I wasted a lot of my time in the process.
703
00:41:45,938 --> 00:41:48,942
Obviously, you haven't grown up
much since our little mistake.
704
00:41:49,008 --> 00:41:50,988
Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second?
705
00:41:51,043 --> 00:41:53,717
WAMS has done quite well
without the help of rejects...
706
00:41:53,779 --> 00:41:57,022
and winos and ditsy women who think
they can run with the big boys.
707
00:41:57,083 --> 00:42:00,326
If you need a temp job, let me know,
okay? Gotta go. Love your place.
708
00:42:00,386 --> 00:42:02,866
Listen, don't talk to Julie like that.
709
00:42:05,990 --> 00:42:08,995
Excuse me. What was that, little man?
710
00:42:09,060 --> 00:42:11,769
I said that you don't talk to Julie like that.
711
00:42:11,830 --> 00:42:13,902
712
00:42:14,466 --> 00:42:18,539
Don't push up on me in front of your peeps, okay?
713
00:42:18,104 --> 00:42:22,280
Don't let the smooth taste
fool you. I'm from the streets.
714
00:42:22,340 --> 00:42:25,254
Oh, yeah? Well, I still live in the streets,
715
00:42:25,310 --> 00:42:28,383
and will occasionally find
myself waking up in the streets.
716
00:42:28,447 --> 00:42:30,188
That's right. That's right.
717
00:42:30,249 --> 00:42:32,525
Gentlemen, there will be no fighting in this bar.
718
00:42:32,585 --> 00:42:36,226
All right, fine. We can take it outside.
719
00:42:46,365 --> 00:42:49,642
Listen, I'm sorry.
We-We got off on the wrong foot here.
720
00:42:49,702 --> 00:42:52,342
Um, why don't we just let bygones be bygones?
721
00:42:52,405 --> 00:42:54,351
Whatever you say, sugar. That's fine with me.
722
00:42:54,407 --> 00:42:58,480
Listen, how about you have a-
I'd like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.
723
00:42:58,544 --> 00:43:00,785
I don't think so.
724
00:43:00,846 --> 00:43:02,792
Come on, Johnny Mathis.
725
00:43:02,848 --> 00:43:06,421
- You said you from the streets.
- Yeah.
726
00:43:06,485 --> 00:43:09,364
Yeah, well, Julie told me
that while they were datin',
727
00:43:09,422 --> 00:43:12,926
there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.
728
00:43:12,992 --> 00:43:15,666
729
00:43:16,228 --> 00:43:18,105
- Interesting.
- Hey, hey, hey.
730
00:43:17,663 --> 00:43:19,768
It ain't no thing, all right? It ain't no thing.
731
00:43:19,832 --> 00:43:22,005
I was raised on pig's feet.
732
00:43:22,067 --> 00:43:25,048
I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.
733
00:43:26,272 --> 00:43:28,377
- This is what you want me to do?
- Mm-hmm.
734
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:31,422
Just to impress you and the rest
of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.
735
00:43:31,477 --> 00:43:33,423
That's fine.
736
00:43:33,479 --> 00:43:37,689
See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a
little bit and eat it like that. See?
737
00:43:37,750 --> 00:43:40,094
There.
738
00:43:40,152 --> 00:43:44,464
Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but-
739
00:43:44,523 --> 00:43:48,437
- You want some pickled eggs?
- I'd love some pickled eggs.
740
00:43:48,494 --> 00:43:50,997
One pickled dish at a time. Why are we gonna--
741
00:43:51,063 --> 00:43:53,168
Okay, I'll stay for one pickled egg.
742
00:43:53,232 --> 00:43:56,975
Look, everybody. People are
actually eating the bar food.
743
00:43:57,036 --> 00:43:59,983
All right, boys, eat up. The food is free.
744
00:44:00,039 --> 00:44:02,952
- It disappears.
- Pickled egg you want, you got.
745
00:44:03,008 --> 00:44:05,318
This ain't the welfare. This is the good stuff.
746
00:44:05,377 --> 00:44:07,687
747
00:44:08,246 --> 00:44:12,956
- Hey, how about some prairie oysters?
- Ooh, prairie oysters!
748
00:44:12,518 --> 00:44:15,294
- They are really good.
- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.
749
00:44:15,354 --> 00:44:18,665
- Look like a chitlin to me.
- Prairie oysters. Mmm!
750
00:44:18,724 --> 00:44:22,035
Oh, yeah, look at that. Oh, yeah, it's fresh.
751
00:44:22,094 --> 00:44:26,565
This is gonna be so good. I haven't
had these since yesterday.
752
00:44:26,632 --> 00:44:28,737
- Mmm!
- It's an acquired taste.
753
00:44:30,369 --> 00:44:32,906
Take your time.
754
00:44:32,972 --> 00:44:35,077
755
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:39,383
Hmm? Good, huh?
756
00:44:38,944 --> 00:44:41,424
Spicy hog balls.
757
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,756
Not the hog balls.
758
00:44:46,085 --> 00:44:49,225
Spicy hog balls. Where'd you find these?
759
00:44:49,288 --> 00:44:51,598
Ooh, look at that. They got two balls.
760
00:44:51,657 --> 00:44:55,833
And they going right down here.
761
00:44:55,895 --> 00:44:59,399
Oh! Yes, indeed. Look at them.
762
00:45:03,602 --> 00:45:06,082
Eat all you want, boys. Eat all you want.
763
00:45:09,842 --> 00:45:12,721
Show him how to do it, Leon.
764
00:45:12,778 --> 00:45:15,418
765
00:45:17,649 --> 00:45:20,061
How you boys doing?
766
00:45:19,618 --> 00:45:22,064
So, is that it?
767
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:24,795
I've eaten more exotic foods than that.
768
00:45:24,857 --> 00:45:27,269
- How about a piece de resistance?
- Hmm.
769
00:45:27,326 --> 00:45:30,739
- Back-bottom gristle lumps.
- Special of the house.
770
00:45:30,796 --> 00:45:33,333
Practically nobody eats these.
771
00:45:33,399 --> 00:45:36,869
- I don't remember those on the menu.
- Oh, these are good.
772
00:45:36,936 --> 00:45:40,474
These are new. The best!
773
00:45:40,539 --> 00:45:43,850
- These are mine.
- No, no, no. No way. No way!
774
00:45:43,909 --> 00:45:46,150
- They're mine.
- Get the hell off of them!
775
00:45:46,210 --> 00:45:48,088
Jeez!
776
00:45:48,147 --> 00:45:50,354
Don't be fighting over
gristle lumps. Come on, now.
777
00:45:50,416 --> 00:45:52,896
There you go, now. That's a
nice one. That's a nice one.
778
00:45:52,952 --> 00:45:56,991
- just some gristle lumps.
- Gristle lump you want, you got.
779
00:45:57,056 --> 00:46:00,435
I got your gristle lump.
780
00:46:00,492 --> 00:46:02,836
Savor the flavor.
781
00:46:02,895 --> 00:46:06,104
Got some hot sauce to go with that too.
782
00:46:06,165 --> 00:46:09,942
- Mmm. I did it.
- That's right. You sure did.
783
00:46:10,002 --> 00:46:13,279
- I did it.
- You did it. I'm proud of you.
784
00:46:13,339 --> 00:46:15,819
I did it. I did it!
785
00:46:15,874 --> 00:46:18,855
I've never seen anything like this in my life.
786
00:46:18,910 --> 00:46:22,757
Boy, you just done ate some shit.
787
00:46:22,815 --> 00:46:26,194
- Some what?
- You just ate some human shit.
788
00:46:28,454 --> 00:46:31,196
Human shit? Human shit?
789
00:46:32,758 --> 00:46:34,999
Why would you bottle human shit?
790
00:46:35,060 --> 00:46:37,506
What possible holiday would
you bottle human shit for?
791
00:46:37,563 --> 00:46:40,635
- Funniest idea yet!
- You people are sick!
792
00:46:40,699 --> 00:46:42,975
That's the first time it's ever worked.
793
00:46:43,035 --> 00:46:44,981
We scored so big.
794
00:46:48,307 --> 00:46:51,311
You know that that was our
last chance at a steady paycheck.
795
00:46:51,377 --> 00:46:56,326
- Mm-hmm.
- But I feel good. I feel real good.
796
00:46:56,382 --> 00:46:58,589
Well, that's good,
because listen, there's no way...
797
00:46:58,650 --> 00:47:01,996
that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.
798
00:47:05,090 --> 00:47:07,934
So, listen, excuse me.
799
00:47:07,993 --> 00:47:12,100
I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.
800
00:47:26,178 --> 00:47:29,557
Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a longtime.
801
00:47:29,615 --> 00:47:34,223
This man, this "Ladies Man,"
802
00:47:34,286 --> 00:47:37,597
thought he could take something
from us, something we hold sacred.
803
00:47:37,656 --> 00:47:41,900
- Our manhood. Was he successful?
- No!
804
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,600
No, he was not. Why?
Because we're men among men.
805
00:47:44,663 --> 00:47:47,337
- That's right! Yeah!
- Super men!
806
00:47:47,399 --> 00:47:51,040
And from this moment on,
I declare our supreme manliness!
807
00:47:51,103 --> 00:47:53,242
808
00:47:59,910 --> 00:48:03,222
♪ I feel like this is something really special ♪
809
00:48:02,780 --> 00:48:06,285
♪ Something tells me this is truly grand ♪
810
00:48:06,350 --> 00:48:09,025
♪ I've got a brand-new lease on life now ♪
811
00:48:09,088 --> 00:48:12,035
♪ And it's all because we're gonna get The Ladies Man ♪
812
00:48:12,090 --> 00:48:14,799
That's right!
813
00:48:14,860 --> 00:48:18,330
♪ All at once the search is truly over ♪
814
00:48:18,397 --> 00:48:21,469
♪ Everything is happening as planned ♪
815
00:48:21,533 --> 00:48:24,412
♪ I hope he's naked and good-looking ♪
816
00:48:24,470 --> 00:48:26,973
♪ And it's all because we're gonna get this Ladies Man ♪
817
00:48:27,039 --> 00:48:29,315
♪ That's right! ♪
818
00:48:29,374 --> 00:48:33,720
♪ When we catch him, we're gonna cut his balls off. ♪
819
00:48:33,779 --> 00:48:36,089
♪ I don't know what I'm feeling ♪
820
00:48:36,148 --> 00:48:39,254
♪ I never felt like this before ♪
821
00:48:39,318 --> 00:48:42,629
♪ I want to sing from a mountaintop ♪
822
00:48:42,688 --> 00:48:47,330
♪ And let my true heart soar ♪
823
00:49:17,356 --> 00:49:19,302
824
00:49:22,127 --> 00:49:24,107
825
00:49:24,162 --> 00:49:27,473
♪ I can't believe it's finally over ♪
826
00:49:27,032 --> 00:49:30,138
♪ All of my dreams are near at hand ♪
827
00:49:30,202 --> 00:49:33,748
♪ I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard ♪
828
00:49:33,772 --> 00:49:33,806
♪ I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard ♪
829
00:49:33,906 --> 00:49:37,115
♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪
830
00:49:37,176 --> 00:49:40,953
♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪
831
00:49:41,013 --> 00:49:44,790
His name is Leon Phelps. I fired him a week ago.
832
00:49:46,485 --> 00:49:49,364
Say, is that a picture of him over there?
833
00:49:49,420 --> 00:49:52,493
Yes. Yes, it is. That's your man.
834
00:49:52,558 --> 00:49:54,560
That's, uh- That's Leon Phelps.
835
00:49:54,626 --> 00:49:57,232
Leon Phelps.
836
00:49:57,296 --> 00:49:59,970
Where might we find this Leon Phelps?
837
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:03,840
Oh, you might try his houseboat,
838
00:50:03,902 --> 00:50:07,281
or that gin tank called Lester's Lounge.
839
00:50:07,339 --> 00:50:11,810
And when you find him, tell him
to come in and pick up this crap.
840
00:50:11,877 --> 00:50:14,585
- What's this?
- Fan mail...
841
00:50:14,646 --> 00:50:17,718
from all the sluts he's been banging
for the past couple of years.
842
00:50:17,783 --> 00:50:20,389
A lot of these are from my wife.
843
00:50:23,288 --> 00:50:26,599
- You thought I wrote this?
- Yeah, I did.
844
00:50:26,658 --> 00:50:30,936
Sorry, Leon. I'm not really
interested in settling down right now.
845
00:50:30,996 --> 00:50:34,876
You're on in ten minutes.
846
00:50:36,034 --> 00:50:39,072
Excuse me. I'll just be a minute changing.
847
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:45,845
This is a nice place. It looks like
you've finally made the big-time.
848
00:50:45,910 --> 00:50:49,324
Yeah, my work is everything to me right now.
849
00:50:49,380 --> 00:50:51,622
That's why I couldn’t dream of settling down.
850
00:50:51,683 --> 00:50:55,187
In fact, the only thing that ever compared,
851
00:50:55,254 --> 00:50:57,200
to the thrill of my performances,
852
00:50:57,256 --> 00:51:00,430
were those wild nights we had together in bed.
853
00:51:00,492 --> 00:51:02,995
Yeah, we did some pretty messed-up junk.
854
00:51:04,863 --> 00:51:07,776
- Hey, Leon.
- Yes?
855
00:51:07,833 --> 00:51:10,006
I've got a crazy idea.
856
00:51:10,068 --> 00:51:12,639
I've got a few minutes before I go on.
857
00:51:12,704 --> 00:51:16,151
Let's have a quickie for old time's sake.
858
00:51:16,208 --> 00:51:20,623
That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea and I will support it.
859
00:51:20,679 --> 00:51:24,786
Let's do it like we used to- real nasty!
860
00:51:24,850 --> 00:51:27,956
861
00:51:28,520 --> 00:51:32,263
Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.
We don't have the time to do this.
862
00:51:31,823 --> 00:51:35,896
We'll do it real quick. Come on,
baby. You know what Bloopy likes.
863
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:38,771
Okay, listen, Bloopy?
864
00:51:38,830 --> 00:51:41,276
I'm about to go on. I have to stay in character.
865
00:51:41,333 --> 00:51:43,313
Now, give it to me, you stud.
866
00:51:43,368 --> 00:51:47,748
- Take it easy there, Bloopy.
- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.
867
00:51:47,806 --> 00:51:51,845
Okay, listen. I don't know.
868
00:51:53,078 --> 00:51:56,082
Oh, what the hell.
869
00:51:56,148 --> 00:51:59,322
♪ I can't believe it's finally over ♪
870
00:51:59,384 --> 00:52:02,661
♪ All of my dreams are near at hand ♪
871
00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:06,100
♪ I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard ♪
872
00:52:06,158 --> 00:52:09,537
♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪
873
00:52:09,594 --> 00:52:12,165
♪ The time has come to kill The Ladies Man ♪
874
00:52:12,230 --> 00:52:14,176
♪ That's right! ♪
875
00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:31,723
- Hal, why don't you just-
- Yeah.
876
00:52:33,785 --> 00:52:35,958
877
00:52:39,958 --> 00:52:42,370
He's not here, guys.
878
00:52:41,927 --> 00:52:43,873
This stinks.
879
00:52:43,929 --> 00:52:46,136
♪ This stinks, he's not here and this stinks ♪
880
00:52:46,198 --> 00:52:49,145
♪ And we know why he's not here because he's not ♪
881
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:51,511
♪ He's gone ♪
882
00:52:51,570 --> 00:52:54,676
So, this is where he lives.
883
00:52:57,476 --> 00:53:00,150
Well, tasteful.
884
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:06,927
Gentlemen, let's torch it.
885
00:53:13,759 --> 00:53:16,706
- Hey,
- Let’s go!
886
00:53:16,762 --> 00:53:19,641
887
00:53:27,238 --> 00:53:30,344
We really didn't think that through.
888
00:53:29,908 --> 00:53:32,445
That place was full of pleather and cologne.
889
00:53:32,510 --> 00:53:36,391
It was quite a thrill,
though, when it went up in flames.
890
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:52,207
Ah, gentlemen, can I help you?
891
00:53:52,264 --> 00:53:56,041
- A round of beers for my men.
- Yeah!
892
00:53:56,100 --> 00:54:01,642
- There something else I can help with?
- I think there is. My card.
893
00:54:03,040 --> 00:54:05,749
We're also looking for this man.
894
00:54:05,810 --> 00:54:08,223
His name is Leon Phelps.
895
00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:11,853
He also goes by "The Ladies Man."
896
00:54:11,917 --> 00:54:15,057
- You guys friends of his?
- You might say that.
897
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:17,930
We want to kill him.
898
00:54:17,989 --> 00:54:20,993
Well, he doesn't hang out here.
899
00:54:21,059 --> 00:54:24,836
What would you want to kill
a guy like that for anyway?
900
00:54:24,896 --> 00:54:27,502
He's a dangerous thief of hearts.
901
00:54:27,566 --> 00:54:31,173
He seduced my wife. He screwed all our women!
902
00:54:31,236 --> 00:54:33,079
Yeah!
903
00:54:33,138 --> 00:54:37,143
- That's why you want to kill Phelps.
- Oh, yeah.
904
00:54:37,209 --> 00:54:40,656
Yeah, that's why we wanna
kill him. And we're going to.
905
00:54:40,712 --> 00:54:44,250
We're going to catch him and
cut off his tiny little pecker.
906
00:54:44,316 --> 00:54:47,957
- Tiny little pecker? You're not talking about Leon-
- That's him!
907
00:54:49,154 --> 00:54:51,031
908
00:55:00,565 --> 00:55:02,602
Get him!
909
00:55:02,167 --> 00:55:05,705
- See you later!
- How does he do it?
910
00:55:05,770 --> 00:55:09,343
- He's outsmarted us again.
- Lance, his little black book.
911
00:55:10,408 --> 00:55:12,354
Oh, yes.
912
00:55:12,410 --> 00:55:14,356
Oh, yes, this is good.
913
00:55:14,412 --> 00:55:16,414
This is very good!
914
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,087
915
00:55:19,650 --> 00:55:23,963
- Why is it very good?
- It's the book of all of his numbers.
916
00:55:28,660 --> 00:55:32,130
This is not cool. This is unfair.
917
00:55:32,197 --> 00:55:36,339
I did not do anything to deserve this.
918
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:39,939
My houseboat. It's my houseboat!
919
00:55:41,006 --> 00:55:43,145
Why?
920
00:55:54,052 --> 00:55:56,032
921
00:56:12,070 --> 00:56:14,016
922
00:56:39,297 --> 00:56:42,244
This is how my uncle taught us to drink tea.
923
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:45,976
You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips, like this.
924
00:56:46,037 --> 00:56:48,517
Julie. Come on in.
925
00:56:48,573 --> 00:56:51,213
Your friend Leon has made some suggestions...
926
00:56:51,276 --> 00:56:54,257
pertaining to us and our love life.
927
00:56:54,312 --> 00:56:57,816
I'm so glad you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.
928
00:56:57,882 --> 00:56:59,919
I didn't invite Leon-
929
00:56:59,985 --> 00:57:02,727
As far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.
930
00:57:02,787 --> 00:57:05,290
- I'll drink to that.
- I do too.
931
00:57:05,357 --> 00:57:09,669
If you got some Courvoisier,
we could pour some of that in here too.
932
00:57:09,728 --> 00:57:12,039
Julie, when am I gonna see your room?
933
00:57:12,063 --> 00:57:12,097
Julie, when am I gonna see your room?
934
00:57:12,197 --> 00:57:16,043
♪ I am Julie's piano ♪
935
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:18,547
♪ I am Julie's piano ♪
936
00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,708
That's a song I wrote for you.
937
00:57:20,772 --> 00:57:24,845
Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.
938
00:57:24,909 --> 00:57:27,549
And look at that nice poster of Rick Astley.
939
00:57:27,612 --> 00:57:29,888
Okay, I told you this was temporary.
940
00:57:29,948 --> 00:57:32,087
- You don't have to tease me.
- Yes, I do.
941
00:57:32,150 --> 00:57:34,357
I'd like to remind you, young lady,
942
00:57:34,419 --> 00:57:38,526
about the “trailer park of the sea“
line, my houseboat...
943
00:57:38,590 --> 00:57:41,036
which I don't have anymore.
944
00:57:42,093 --> 00:57:44,437
Oh, man.
945
00:57:44,496 --> 00:57:48,842
You know something, Julie?
I'm realizing that my life really sucks.
946
00:57:53,838 --> 00:57:56,910
You know whose fault it is, don't you?
947
00:57:56,975 --> 00:58:01,481
It is the fault of the Wang.
I should cut this thing off.
948
00:58:01,546 --> 00:58:03,492
- You're not gonna cut it off.
- I know.
949
00:58:03,548 --> 00:58:06,722
That's the craziest thing I've ever thought of.
950
00:58:06,785 --> 00:58:09,527
But I just can't live like this anymore.
951
00:58:09,587 --> 00:58:13,262
I'm so tired of being "The Ladies Man."
952
00:58:15,327 --> 00:58:19,969
You know, you were never "The Ladies Man" to me.
953
00:58:20,030 --> 00:58:21,977
- Really?
- Really.
954
00:58:22,033 --> 00:58:26,504
No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.
955
00:58:27,572 --> 00:58:30,678
A lonely, misguided...
956
00:58:30,742 --> 00:58:32,688
idiot.
957
00:58:32,744 --> 00:58:35,691
You know something Julie? Hmm?
958
00:58:35,747 --> 00:58:40,059
I think that you wrote the mystery letter.
959
00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:43,588
960
00:58:44,155 --> 00:58:47,762
Yeah! Leon, I've never had sex with you,
961
00:58:47,325 --> 00:58:49,430
especially not in a laundromat.
962
00:58:49,494 --> 00:58:52,441
Yeah, that is true.
963
00:58:54,432 --> 00:58:56,537
You know what?
964
00:58:56,600 --> 00:59:01,311
It would’ve been really nice
if you had written this letter.
965
00:59:01,373 --> 00:59:03,319
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
966
00:59:03,375 --> 00:59:06,219
You know, a girl like you, that's what I need.
967
00:59:06,277 --> 00:59:09,224
I don't need some crazy mystery lady.
968
00:59:10,949 --> 00:59:15,398
Well, how could you find a girl like me?
969
00:59:15,453 --> 00:59:18,059
Yeah, how can I find a girl like you?
970
00:59:18,123 --> 00:59:20,069
She'd have to be single.
971
00:59:20,125 --> 00:59:23,470
- That would be really nice this time.
- Yeah.
972
00:59:23,528 --> 00:59:25,474
And she'd have to be attractive.
973
00:59:25,530 --> 00:59:29,444
Yeah, well, you have that.
974
00:59:29,500 --> 00:59:33,381
She'd have to have parents that
wouldn’t throw you off the porch.
975
00:59:33,438 --> 00:59:35,714
Yeah, that would be really nice.
976
00:59:37,575 --> 00:59:41,022
And she'd have to have
known you long enough...
977
00:59:41,079 --> 00:59:45,721
to finally realize what a wonderful
person you're capable of being.
978
01:00:03,268 --> 01:00:05,373
Julie, can you do that again?
979
01:00:05,437 --> 01:00:07,678
980
01:00:08,239 --> 01:00:11,948
981
01:00:12,009 --> 01:00:18,187
982
01:00:18,249 --> 01:00:20,855
983
01:00:24,789 --> 01:00:27,133
That's it.
984
01:00:26,690 --> 01:00:29,297
- That is it.
- What? What?
985
01:00:31,062 --> 01:00:33,064
Delanue.
986
01:00:33,130 --> 01:00:35,304
DeLune!
987
01:00:35,366 --> 01:00:37,437
DeLune, DeLune.
988
01:00:37,502 --> 01:00:40,073
Honey DeLune!
989
01:00:40,138 --> 01:00:43,176
Sweet Thing is Honey DeLune!
990
01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:46,245
That is it!
991
01:00:46,310 --> 01:00:48,313
Oh, my God!
992
01:00:48,379 --> 01:00:51,155
I am rich!
993
01:00:51,216 --> 01:00:55,995
Look out, Chicago! The Ladies Man is back!
994
01:00:56,054 --> 01:00:58,000
Yes!
995
01:01:01,192 --> 01:01:04,298
Well, there goes Leon Phelps,
chasing his dream.
996
01:01:04,362 --> 01:01:07,502
But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream-
997
01:01:07,565 --> 01:01:11,342
sometimes what you were dreaming
about was in front of you all along.
998
01:01:11,402 --> 01:01:14,872
Lester, could you just shut up and
give me the number for Honey DeLune?
999
01:01:14,939 --> 01:01:16,885
Right.
1000
01:01:18,276 --> 01:01:21,416
Just thought you could use a little advice.
1001
01:01:23,080 --> 01:01:25,027
Okay.
1002
01:01:26,950 --> 01:01:28,897
1003
01:01:29,453 --> 01:01:31,399
1004
01:01:32,990 --> 01:01:37,905
- Hello?
- Guess who, Sweet Thing!
1005
01:01:37,462 --> 01:01:40,238
Leon? Leon Phelps?
1006
01:01:40,298 --> 01:01:43,404
That's right, baby.
It's your laundromat love machine.
1007
01:01:43,468 --> 01:01:45,414
Oh, my God! It is!
1008
01:01:45,470 --> 01:01:47,882
- So you got my letter, right?
- Mm-hmm.
1009
01:01:47,939 --> 01:01:50,977
Oh, when so much time went by, I thought...
1010
01:01:51,042 --> 01:01:53,784
maybe you didn't want to have
anything to do with me.
1011
01:01:53,845 --> 01:01:56,883
- I guess that was silly, huh?
- Yes, it was.
1012
01:01:56,948 --> 01:01:59,861
It was downright stupid, baby.
1013
01:01:59,918 --> 01:02:02,023
Ever since we last saw each other,
1014
01:02:02,086 --> 01:02:06,262
- I have had this aching in my soul.
- Oh, you did?
1015
01:02:06,324 --> 01:02:10,136
Yeah. How about I come over there and
go to town on your money and your ass?
1016
01:02:10,194 --> 01:02:12,140
Oh! Heh-heh!
1017
01:02:12,196 --> 01:02:15,734
Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have
to give me a little bit of time.
1018
01:02:17,435 --> 01:02:21,178
- What the hell for?
- To tie up some loose ends.
1019
01:02:21,239 --> 01:02:25,517
Baby, I want to leave my whole life
behind and run away with you.
1020
01:02:25,577 --> 01:02:28,786
How does a trip around
the world sound for starters?
1021
01:02:28,846 --> 01:02:30,951
- Are you paying for it?
- Of course.
1022
01:02:31,015 --> 01:02:33,962
- Well, that sounds good.
- Wonderful.
1023
01:02:34,018 --> 01:02:36,294
Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay?
1024
01:02:36,354 --> 01:02:39,733
All right. Sure, Sweet Thing. Ha ha!
1025
01:02:39,790 --> 01:02:41,737
1026
01:02:42,293 --> 01:02:45,604
- You talking on the phone just now?
- No, sweetheart.
1027
01:02:45,163 --> 01:02:47,234
Good.
1028
01:02:47,298 --> 01:02:50,643
- Nice try, my friend.
- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.
1029
01:02:52,103 --> 01:02:54,276
Hi, Brian.
1030
01:02:54,339 --> 01:02:57,149
Here comes the pterodactyl. Hope you like it.
1031
01:02:57,208 --> 01:02:59,119
1032
01:03:01,078 --> 01:03:04,321
1033
01:03:04,380 --> 01:03:08,591
Hey!
1034
01:03:08,219 --> 01:03:09,960
- Yo!
- What's up, Aloysius?
1035
01:03:10,020 --> 01:03:12,763
- My main man!
- I need some new stuff.
1036
01:03:12,824 --> 01:03:16,465
- Man, I got you covered, baby.
- This is all right.
1037
01:03:16,527 --> 01:03:19,633
- This is the darkest brown you got?
- Yeah.
1038
01:03:19,697 --> 01:03:25,375
- German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.
- Yeah. Aloysius...
1039
01:03:26,770 --> 01:03:30,548
- I think you got a deal.
- Yeah. Mm!
1040
01:03:30,608 --> 01:03:32,554
Mm!
1041
01:03:32,610 --> 01:03:35,523
1042
01:03:36,080 --> 01:03:37,718
Yeah.
1043
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:40,455
That's fight.
1044
01:03:40,518 --> 01:03:45,399
Mm-hmm. Player of the year.
1045
01:03:45,456 --> 01:03:50,303
You the man now.
1046
01:03:50,360 --> 01:03:53,308
Cleaner than a broke-dick dog.
1047
01:03:56,067 --> 01:03:58,274
1048
01:04:04,074 --> 01:04:06,748
- Hey, Leon!
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.
1049
01:04:06,310 --> 01:04:08,256
Hey, there, Leon!
1050
01:04:08,312 --> 01:04:10,258
1051
01:04:12,416 --> 01:04:14,555
- You like that?
- I don't believe this.
1052
01:04:14,118 --> 01:04:16,064
Custom-made, $100.
1053
01:04:16,120 --> 01:04:18,726
- You look like Monkey D.
- Thank you very much.
1054
01:04:18,790 --> 01:04:21,430
I just got off the phone with my Sweet Thing.
1055
01:04:21,492 --> 01:04:24,666
She is gonna take me on a trip around the world.
1056
01:04:24,729 --> 01:04:27,505
Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?
1057
01:04:27,565 --> 01:04:30,205
Well, basically, around the world, you know.
1058
01:04:30,268 --> 01:04:33,841
We'll go to Paris, of course. We might go to France.
1059
01:04:33,905 --> 01:04:38,183
Acapulco, Sweden, maybe the Solomon Islands.
1060
01:04:38,242 --> 01:04:42,452
- You know.
- Well, Leon, you finally made good.
1061
01:04:42,513 --> 01:04:46,017
That's the way I like to look at it, you know.
1062
01:04:46,084 --> 01:04:48,530
When a man works hard all his life,
1063
01:04:48,586 --> 01:04:52,193
and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't even remember,
1064
01:04:52,256 --> 01:04:54,702
you'd like to think that at the end of the day,
1065
01:04:54,759 --> 01:04:57,706
he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.
1066
01:04:57,762 --> 01:05:00,140
I believe that, yes.
1067
01:05:00,198 --> 01:05:03,543
So, yes, I think I have found
true happiness. And I raise my glass.
1068
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:06,707
- To happiness.
- To happiness.
1069
01:05:06,770 --> 01:05:09,377
- Happiness.
- Thank you.
1070
01:05:10,440 --> 01:05:13,217
1071
01:05:13,777 --> 01:05:15,723
That is good Courvoisier.
1072
01:05:15,279 --> 01:05:18,385
I would love to stay and have
another one, like I usually do,
1073
01:05:18,449 --> 01:05:21,862
but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.
1074
01:05:21,919 --> 01:05:25,628
So I bid you adieu. See you
on the other side of the tracks.
1075
01:05:25,690 --> 01:05:28,136
- Take care of yourself.
- All right, Scrap.
1076
01:05:28,192 --> 01:05:30,672
Julie, you made it just in time.
1077
01:05:30,728 --> 01:05:33,766
I'm on my way to see the girl of my dreams.
1078
01:06:18,209 --> 01:06:21,156
Yeah. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.
1079
01:06:26,018 --> 01:06:29,693
Leon Phelps.
1080
01:06:29,755 --> 01:06:34,170
- Damn!
- Baby, what happened to your face?
1081
01:06:34,226 --> 01:06:38,936
This is nothin'. It's just one
of those Biore patches, that's all.
1082
01:06:38,998 --> 01:06:42,468
Sorry about that. I brought you some flowers.
1083
01:06:42,535 --> 01:06:46,483
They look and feel plastic, but they smell real.
1084
01:06:46,539 --> 01:06:51,887
And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.
1085
01:06:51,944 --> 01:06:54,288
It's a little heavy.
1086
01:06:54,346 --> 01:06:57,884
Well, you've always been so... giving.
1087
01:06:57,950 --> 01:07:01,557
Why don't you come on in?
1088
01:07:01,620 --> 01:07:03,930
I will. This is my house, after all. Right?
1089
01:07:03,989 --> 01:07:08,165
I mean, this is my statue, and this is my carpet.
1090
01:07:08,227 --> 01:07:10,229
This is my mirror.
1091
01:07:10,296 --> 01:07:12,276
That's my urn.
1092
01:07:12,330 --> 01:07:14,538
And that is my frieze.
1093
01:07:14,600 --> 01:07:18,412
Why don't you go have a seat in the
living room, and I'll fix you a drink.
1094
01:07:18,470 --> 01:07:20,416
Yeah, that sounds good.
1095
01:07:20,472 --> 01:07:22,975
Let me see if I remember- Cour-
1096
01:07:23,042 --> 01:07:26,319
Courvoisier, yes. That is the drink.
1097
01:07:26,378 --> 01:07:29,848
Yeah. This is a nice place you got here.
1098
01:07:29,915 --> 01:07:32,293
It's no houseboat, but it's nice.
1099
01:07:32,350 --> 01:07:35,355
Can we sell it? Just kiddin'.
1100
01:07:35,420 --> 01:07:38,664
My God, this is a butt-load of cash you got here.
1101
01:07:38,724 --> 01:07:43,173
- Is this ours?
- Well, it's ours now.
1102
01:07:43,229 --> 01:07:46,506
Well, that's nice, but you should
put that in a safer place,
1103
01:07:46,565 --> 01:07:48,511
like a bank or somethin'.
1104
01:07:48,567 --> 01:07:51,480
Stop talking.
1105
01:07:51,537 --> 01:07:53,813
- I want you to take me, wild man.
- Now?
1106
01:07:53,873 --> 01:07:56,877
Yes, now. My husband won't be back for hours.
1107
01:07:56,942 --> 01:07:59,650
- Your husband.
- Yeah. It's no big deal.
1108
01:07:59,712 --> 01:08:02,556
You might have to kill him,
but I don't think it'll come to that.
1109
01:08:12,490 --> 01:08:16,530
You better be sure it's safe, because
I can guarantee if it was not safe...
1110
01:08:16,595 --> 01:08:19,201
I would never do something of this nature.
1111
01:08:19,265 --> 01:08:22,678
Because over the years I have learned to not do
1112
01:08:22,735 --> 01:08:25,011
unsafe things, you understand.
1113
01:08:25,070 --> 01:08:27,175
- Because-
- Shut up and kiss me.
1114
01:08:29,608 --> 01:08:31,815
Okay, listen, this is very nice, but-
1115
01:08:31,877 --> 01:08:34,153
Okay-- Hey, macarena.
1116
01:08:34,213 --> 01:08:36,352
Listen, this is not cool.
1117
01:08:36,415 --> 01:08:39,919
Why don't we talk first?
We never get to really- Whoa!
1118
01:08:39,985 --> 01:08:43,489
- We're never gonna catch this guy.
- Calm down, Barney.
1119
01:08:43,555 --> 01:08:46,934
You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude and subdue it.
1120
01:08:46,992 --> 01:08:49,472
Wrestle it to the ground.
1121
01:08:50,529 --> 01:08:54,875
Pin its-its well-oiled and...
1122
01:08:54,934 --> 01:08:57,938
musky form down hard.
1123
01:08:58,003 --> 01:09:01,075
Let it feel your-your...
1124
01:09:01,140 --> 01:09:04,587
soft breath on- on the back of its neck.
1125
01:09:04,643 --> 01:09:07,055
1126
01:09:08,980 --> 01:09:10,982
1127
01:09:12,050 --> 01:09:14,929
I mean- You know what I'm
1128
01:09:14,486 --> 01:09:16,762
trying to get at.
1129
01:09:16,822 --> 01:09:19,359
- Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.
- You bet.
1130
01:09:19,425 --> 01:09:23,134
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- No, no. No.
1131
01:09:23,195 --> 01:09:26,938
- Listen, I can't do it.
- What?
1132
01:09:26,999 --> 01:09:29,980
- I can't do it. It's not workin'.
- It looks fine.
1133
01:09:30,035 --> 01:09:32,174
Oh, no, that is workin'. Yeah.
1134
01:09:32,237 --> 01:09:34,717
But I can't do it. Somethin' is wrong.
1135
01:09:34,773 --> 01:09:36,684
You see, I--
1136
01:09:36,742 --> 01:09:40,884
I know I'm in control of my personal world.
1137
01:09:40,946 --> 01:09:43,552
Nothing will ever violate my-
1138
01:09:43,615 --> 01:09:45,561
my personal space.
1139
01:09:45,617 --> 01:09:49,064
That's for sure. Whoops. Butterfingers.
1140
01:09:49,120 --> 01:09:51,067
1141
01:09:51,623 --> 01:09:55,230
Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.
1142
01:09:54,793 --> 01:09:57,103
Something is wrong. I can't do this.
1143
01:09:57,162 --> 01:10:01,167
- You know, I think that I'm in love.
- What?
1144
01:10:01,233 --> 01:10:05,181
Yeah. When you sent that letter,
all I could think about was the money.
1145
01:10:05,237 --> 01:10:09,947
But then when we started to do it, all
I could think about was Julie's face.
1146
01:10:10,009 --> 01:10:13,957
I don't mean like thinkin' about some
hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.
1147
01:10:14,013 --> 01:10:17,085
This was sensitive.
1148
01:10:17,149 --> 01:10:19,720
Gentlemen, please step into the serenity...
1149
01:10:19,785 --> 01:10:22,891
of my beautiful foyer.
1150
01:10:22,955 --> 01:10:24,866
- All right.
- All right.
1151
01:10:24,923 --> 01:10:28,370
Listen- Listen, Honey,
I don't think this is a good idea.
1152
01:10:28,427 --> 01:10:30,907
- I'm telling you--
- Remember how--
1153
01:10:30,963 --> 01:10:33,603
Yeah, I know-- Gettin' it together.
1154
01:10:36,368 --> 01:10:40,441
Hi, sweetheart. Have you met Leon Phelps?
1155
01:10:40,506 --> 01:10:43,612
Yeah, what's happenin'?
1156
01:10:43,675 --> 01:10:46,349
- Son of a bitch!
- Don't say "son of a bitch."
1157
01:10:46,412 --> 01:10:50,519
That's not nice. What's wrong with you fellas?
1158
01:10:51,650 --> 01:10:54,096
Oh, my God!
1159
01:10:54,153 --> 01:10:57,726
- My wife had that?
- Yeah, she did.
1160
01:10:57,790 --> 01:11:01,203
I can understand you bein' angry,
1161
01:11:01,260 --> 01:11:03,797
but you can't blame the wang.
1162
01:11:03,862 --> 01:11:06,638
- Well, he's got a point.
- I mean, that's a beauty.
1163
01:11:06,698 --> 01:11:08,803
Kill him!
1164
01:11:08,867 --> 01:11:10,938
- Yeah!
- Yeah! No!
1165
01:11:11,003 --> 01:11:13,813
Yeah, you heard what he said. No!
1166
01:11:13,872 --> 01:11:16,648
I've waited longer for this than anyone.
1167
01:11:16,708 --> 01:11:20,747
Gentlemen... he's mine.
1168
01:11:22,347 --> 01:11:24,953
And he's dead.
1169
01:11:25,017 --> 01:11:27,463
♪ Don't drink so much whiskey, girl ♪
1170
01:11:27,519 --> 01:11:32,059
♪ It ain't no good for you
You know you're too pretty, girl ♪
1171
01:11:32,124 --> 01:11:34,070
♪ You don't know what whiskey can do to you ♪
1172
01:11:34,126 --> 01:11:37,232
Talk to her, Lord. Please talk to her.
1173
01:11:37,296 --> 01:11:39,572
I told you we were a lot alike.
1174
01:11:42,634 --> 01:11:46,172
It's all right, baby. Men are pigs.
1175
01:11:46,238 --> 01:11:50,778
The only way to deal with them is booze.
1176
01:11:50,843 --> 01:11:54,689
Booze... and penicillin.
1177
01:11:56,215 --> 01:11:59,856
I swear, I never thought
I could be taken in again...
1178
01:11:59,918 --> 01:12:02,694
by another insincere man.
1179
01:12:04,356 --> 01:12:08,532
Easy. Easy, girl. That's one
rambunctious guzzle you got there.
1180
01:12:08,594 --> 01:12:13,634
I drank that one for Leon's one true love.
1181
01:12:15,134 --> 01:12:17,239
Rot in hell, Honey DeLune.
1182
01:12:17,302 --> 01:12:19,475
In hell!
1183
01:12:19,538 --> 01:12:21,984
Did you say that woman's name was Honey DeLune?
1184
01:12:22,040 --> 01:12:24,281
That's what she said.
1185
01:12:24,343 --> 01:12:27,449
If that's her name,
Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.
1186
01:12:27,513 --> 01:12:29,015
Why is that?
1187
01:12:29,080 --> 01:12:32,028
That's the wife of the dude who wants to kill Leon.
1188
01:12:33,619 --> 01:12:36,395
- Somebody wants to kill Leon?
- Mm-hmm.
1189
01:12:36,455 --> 01:12:38,731
- My Leon?
- Yup.
1190
01:12:38,857 --> 01:12:41,394
Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
1191
01:12:41,460 --> 01:12:44,066
Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
1192
01:12:44,129 --> 01:12:46,700
Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
1193
01:12:46,765 --> 01:12:49,302
Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
1194
01:12:49,368 --> 01:12:53,180
- Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
- I am going to wrestle you.
1195
01:12:53,238 --> 01:12:55,184
You really don't have to do this.
1196
01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:58,915
I was just saying to your wife
Honey that I'm a changed man.
1197
01:12:58,977 --> 01:13:03,892
And if I can have the self-control
to not bone a lady as fine as she is-
1198
01:13:03,949 --> 01:13:08,227
She can do that amazing thing with her tongue--
1199
01:13:08,287 --> 01:13:10,426
that should be reason enough to let me go.
1200
01:13:10,489 --> 01:13:12,992
1201
01:13:13,558 --> 01:13:16,903
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
1202
01:13:16,460 --> 01:13:20,238
Oh, yes. I'm going to enjoy this.
1203
01:13:20,299 --> 01:13:22,905
Oil?
1204
01:13:22,968 --> 01:13:26,916
- No, that's all right.
- Oh.
1205
01:13:26,972 --> 01:13:32,081
Well, I- I'm still going to enjoy this.
1206
01:13:32,144 --> 01:13:36,092
But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.
1207
01:13:36,148 --> 01:13:39,618
I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.
1208
01:13:39,685 --> 01:13:41,995
I will crush you,
1209
01:13:42,054 --> 01:13:45,228
and you will learn a new definition of pain!
1210
01:13:45,290 --> 01:13:48,032
1211
01:13:48,593 --> 01:13:52,735
Sure you don't want a dab? It's
a lemon essence, and it is delightful.
1212
01:13:52,297 --> 01:13:54,709
1213
01:13:55,266 --> 01:13:59,237
You'd better take the oil, Leon.
It's pretty rough without the oil.
1214
01:13:58,804 --> 01:14:02,547
- No, that's all right. I’m good.
- Okay. Suit yourself.
1215
01:14:02,608 --> 01:14:07,057
And Lance, dear, can you kick ass quietly?
1216
01:14:07,112 --> 01:14:09,820
10-4, apricot.
1217
01:14:09,880 --> 01:14:14,057
Now, Leon Phelps, prepare to meet your doom.
1218
01:14:14,119 --> 01:14:15,894
1219
01:14:16,454 --> 01:14:18,900
Cry havoc, and set free the dogs of war!
1220
01:14:18,457 --> 01:14:19,800
1221
01:14:20,358 --> 01:14:22,895
Vengeance is mine!
1222
01:14:22,460 --> 01:14:25,635
1223
01:14:26,197 --> 01:14:28,074
1224
01:14:28,133 --> 01:14:30,443
1225
01:14:32,704 --> 01:14:36,516
- Ow! You punched me.
- Yeah.
1226
01:14:36,074 --> 01:14:38,686
That is not wrestling! Hello!
1227
01:14:38,710 --> 01:14:38,744
1228
01:14:41,813 --> 01:14:44,657
1229
01:14:44,716 --> 01:14:47,322
Boss, you want us to let him go now, or-
1230
01:14:46,885 --> 01:14:51,129
- He's got a gun!
- What, are you crazy, round boy?
1231
01:14:51,189 --> 01:14:55,228
No, we don't let him go! Get back in there!
1232
01:14:56,395 --> 01:14:58,636
This guys ruined my life!
1233
01:15:02,000 --> 01:15:04,002
Get me the bolt cutters.
1234
01:15:04,069 --> 01:15:06,879
- This man has stolen our manhood
- Cuckoo!
1235
01:15:06,938 --> 01:15:10,545
It's time to take it back.
1236
01:15:10,609 --> 01:15:14,614
- Cut his balls off!
- Wait a second!
1237
01:15:14,680 --> 01:15:17,422
- Aarrgh!
- Before you do what you're about to do,
1238
01:15:17,482 --> 01:15:19,723
there's something I want to say, all right?
1239
01:15:19,785 --> 01:15:23,358
Now listen. All you men here
with wives or girlfriends,
1240
01:15:23,422 --> 01:15:25,834
or sisters or mothers,
1241
01:15:25,890 --> 01:15:28,565
yes, I did sex them up a little bit.
1242
01:15:28,627 --> 01:15:32,097
- Kill him!
- There's something else I wanna say.
1243
01:15:32,164 --> 01:15:34,235
In most cases, it was really good.
1244
01:15:34,299 --> 01:15:36,643
- Kill!
- No, hold on!
1245
01:15:36,702 --> 01:15:39,649
I didn't force myself onto your women.
1246
01:15:39,705 --> 01:15:43,847
I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.
1247
01:15:43,909 --> 01:15:46,219
- Like Frank. You, for instance.
- Yeah?
1248
01:15:46,278 --> 01:15:50,192
- Your wife, she loves you, man.
- She does?
1249
01:15:50,248 --> 01:15:53,252
Yes. She always used to call your name
when I was rockin' on top of her.
1250
01:15:53,318 --> 01:15:56,925
- She did?
- Yeah. And Hal.
1251
01:15:56,988 --> 01:15:59,935
- Me?
- Hal, Hal, Hal.
1252
01:15:59,990 --> 01:16:05,236
All your old lady ever wanted was you
to spend time gettin' her in the mood.
1253
01:16:05,297 --> 01:16:08,244
- Really?
- Yeah. And you never did, did you?
1254
01:16:09,735 --> 01:16:11,681
- Say it loud.
- No.
1255
01:16:11,737 --> 01:16:13,739
You see?
1256
01:16:13,805 --> 01:16:18,049
And Lance. Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.
1257
01:16:18,110 --> 01:16:22,024
There's nothing really else to say
about that. I think you all know that.
1258
01:16:22,080 --> 01:16:27,996
That's cool. But you were tryin' to
oil me up, and that's not really cool.
1259
01:16:28,053 --> 01:16:30,829
You all need to listen to your ladies.
1260
01:16:30,889 --> 01:16:34,427
You need to say to her,
"Baby, what is it that you want?"
1261
01:16:34,493 --> 01:16:37,440
Or, "Do you want to do it in the butt?"
1262
01:16:37,496 --> 01:16:42,707
"No? Well, let's move onto somethin'
else." You just need to listen.
1263
01:16:42,768 --> 01:16:47,581
I know that now, because I,
too, have a woman that I love.
1264
01:16:47,639 --> 01:16:51,644
Her name is Julie, and I never listened to her.
1265
01:16:51,710 --> 01:16:55,817
I was too busy trying to be
Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man,
1266
01:16:55,880 --> 01:16:59,294
instead of Leon Phelps, the man.
1267
01:17:01,052 --> 01:17:05,091
- Leon-
- Just a second, Julie, I got- Julie!
1268
01:17:05,157 --> 01:17:07,569
That was beautiful.
1269
01:17:07,626 --> 01:17:09,902
You're not getting off the hook this time.
1270
01:17:09,960 --> 01:17:12,942
- No, Lance, no!
- Lance, Lance.
1271
01:17:12,998 --> 01:17:15,945
Nuts! Al's right.
1272
01:17:16,000 --> 01:17:19,608
- Hey, hey! Watch it!
- He's not the problem.
1273
01:17:19,670 --> 01:17:22,345
I-I'm the problem.
1274
01:17:22,407 --> 01:17:25,411
Look what it's done to us.
1275
01:17:25,477 --> 01:17:27,855
- It's turned us crazy!
- Whoa! Whoa!
1276
01:17:31,049 --> 01:17:34,087
I'm sorry, Lance. I'm going home.
1277
01:17:37,155 --> 01:17:39,328
1278
01:17:47,065 --> 01:17:49,705
No-o-o!
1279
01:17:53,370 --> 01:17:55,351
No!
1280
01:17:55,407 --> 01:17:58,217
Lance!
1281
01:17:58,276 --> 01:18:00,779
Lance!
1282
01:18:00,846 --> 01:18:02,655
Lance!
1283
01:18:04,282 --> 01:18:07,456
I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.
1284
01:18:07,519 --> 01:18:11,126
I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.
1285
01:18:11,189 --> 01:18:14,659
- See you later.
- Take care.
1286
01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:24,846
1287
01:18:32,810 --> 01:18:34,812
Well, there goes Leon Phelps.
1288
01:18:34,379 --> 01:18:39,385
His days as the fastest and loosest
wang in town may be over,
1289
01:18:39,450 --> 01:18:42,398
but it's not the end of
his story by a long shot.
1290
01:18:42,454 --> 01:18:46,266
In fact, he got-
1291
01:18:46,324 --> 01:18:48,531
- Hi.
- Hi.
1292
01:18:48,593 --> 01:18:53,235
- Let's go.
- Yes. Let's.
1293
01:18:53,298 --> 01:18:56,074
In fact, Leon got his show back.
1294
01:18:56,134 --> 01:19:01,083
His popularity grew and grew until he
was one of the biggest deejays in town.
1295
01:19:01,139 --> 01:19:05,952
His face appeared on the nation's
most popular brand of hog balls.
1296
01:19:06,010 --> 01:19:10,585
Ladies Man became America's
number-one radio talk show.
1297
01:19:10,649 --> 01:19:14,597
Your husband is a little insecure
because he's retirin', that's all.
1298
01:19:14,653 --> 01:19:17,463
Don't worry. It's a passing thing. Okay, Hillary?
1299
01:19:17,522 --> 01:19:20,901
Now, I will see you and Bill
this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.
1300
01:19:20,959 --> 01:19:25,339
You're listening to The Ladies Man,
the coast-to-coast love line...
1301
01:19:25,397 --> 01:19:28,674
with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.
1302
01:19:28,733 --> 01:19:30,576
And I think we got time for one more call.
1303
01:19:31,636 --> 01:19:34,708
- Hello? Ladies Man?
- Hey, it's a lady.
1304
01:19:34,773 --> 01:19:37,777
How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?
1305
01:19:37,842 --> 01:19:40,413
That's a good question.
1306
01:19:40,478 --> 01:19:44,426
I can tell you how I felt
when I knew I was truly in love.
1307
01:19:44,482 --> 01:19:46,587
It happened when I met someone...
1308
01:19:46,650 --> 01:19:49,962
that made everything that I enjoy in life
1309
01:19:50,020 --> 01:19:52,797
a little bit more special.
1310
01:19:52,857 --> 01:19:54,894
Plus, I felt it in my pants.
1311
01:19:56,394 --> 01:19:58,670
Well. that is all the time we have.
1312
01:20:00,130 --> 01:20:03,943
Until next time, this has been The Ladies Man.